After the treatment finishes then what? (Dr Peter Harvey)
18 Regaining trust in the outside world
You won't need to be reminded just how helpful a kindly word or supportive act can be. Likewise, you will need no reminders as to how hurtful and insensitive other words and comments can be.
We have already quoted one phrase which could be classed as not only impossible but unhelpful and insensitive as well - trying to 'forget all about it and put it all behind you - move on' (see Getting back to normal).
This, of course, is often just what the person saying it to you wants to do and it can make for significant difficulties in communication if you want to talk about your worries whilst they want to act as if nothing has happened. Although it is important to acknowledge other people's fears and anxieties which often provoke overly optimistic or excessively reassuring statements, it doesn't make them any easier to bear or tolerate.
It is quite probable that you will already have developed a mask that you put on in some situations in order to hide some of your real feelings. Most people need to defend themselves against the unwittingly hurtful or the crudely insensitive remark. Many of you will have learned to smile sweetly as someone says brightly to you "My, you look really well' when you actually feel terrible.
There will be times you will need to keep this defence going because people will still say unhelpful things. There are people who catastrophise for you.."I really don’t know how you cope. If it had been me I’d have gone completely to pieces" ; or those people who know someone..."My auntie/uncle had what you’ve got...they died of course" ; or people who tell you..."look on the bright side.. there are many worse off than you" ; or people who tell you (or order you!) that "You must be positive" (see On being positive and thinking positive); or those who completely ignore you, saying that they thought that you probably had enough on your plate of that "I didn’t know what to say".
You may well have you own horror stories which will leave their own mark on you and your future relationships.
Re-instating you social network - or re-configuring it - can be a difficult task. How do you feel about those people who left you well alone during your treatment? Do you want to start over again with them? What about those people who - perhaps unintentionally - hurt you with some of the things they said to you when you were struggling?
What about your fellow patients with whom you may well have shared some very close moments during your treatment - do you want to keep up a friendship that might remind you of those difficult times? There may be people around you who, in their anxiety to be helpful, actually get in the way of your recovery by doing too much and rather over-protecting you. Their offer to put the kettle on to make a cup of tea might be welcome but it can also undermine your ability to regain the ordinary. Putting on the kettle may be a symbol for you of regaining confidence and trust in yourself and may also be the limit of what you can do.
Over-helpful people may not be as supportive as they imagine! Perhaps the way to deal with this sort of problem is to be quite-direct in asking for what you want - not allowing them to give you what they think you want. The best sort of support seems to come from those people who ask you the question "How can I help?" and who are prepared to follow your request.
There is no easy or universal answer to these questions and they are decisions that only you can take. You may not feel able to confront these things right away - especially if it might lead to conflict with friends and loved-ones. But there may be a time when it does have to be dealt with if your feelings become ones of resentment or having been let down by people who you thought that you could trust.
People have often said that they find out who their real friends are during treatment for cancer. You do not want to add to your burdens by having to pretend and act as if nothing as happened when you meet people who have not given you the support you feel you need or deserve. So it may be that you have to be very straightforward with some people - and may even lose a friendship because of that.
These are not easy decisions to take and they may require a great deal of thought and discussion with trusted confidants before you commit yourself to doing anything.
The Cancer Counselling Trust has now closed.
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